Introduction

 

Becoming

Do we ever become our true self? Do we want to? Does it even exist? Most of us spend our lives taking on many different roles and labels, often striving to find the one that brings the most fulfilment and happiness. We may also reject roles that are thrust upon ourselves which can become a role in itself.

Looking back on my life, a privilege and a recognised trait of the ‘old person’ role, I can identify roles and labels I have embraced. These include:

·         The ‘good child’

·         The ‘clever daughter’: a role that was very hard to live up to and also difficult to let go of

·         A ’diligent’ pupil: a common comment on my school reports

·         A brilliant teacher: a role I truly loved and still do but I have often had to fight the need to be perfect which once threatened to destroy me

·         A ‘good mum’: also very hard to live up to

·         The ‘rock’ of the family: another difficult role to live up to

·         The volunteer: I previously wrote the blog Caroline in Nigeria  where I shared my experiences working for VSO in often very challenging situations. I discovered character strengths I didn’t know I had and yes, it was very rewarding and did make me feel worthwhile. I later volunteered for refugee and homeless charities and as with my teaching role thought: ‘This is what I was born to do.’ I still do to a certain extent. But my real self? I don’t think so - more a little part of it.

Roles I didn’t choose for myself, at least not consciously:

·         A mental health patient: after being diagnosed with post-natal depression and later anorexia and anxiety, this label dominated my NHS records for many years. It has been a very hard role to shake off as it brought with it a lot of negative strategies which yes, kept me here but also kept me stuck in shame and guilt. I am now in a much happier place with positive strategies but despite education about mental health and famous people talking openly of their own issues, it is still a stigma in a lot of people’s eyes. A very educated person once said to me, “But what do you mean by depression? It’s not a word used in my house. I tell my boys to get up, pull themselves together and get on with it!”

·         A ‘cancer patient’: I was diagnosed ten years ago with early-stage breast cancer which was successfully removed, then five years later I found out I had late stage ovarian cancer which was incurable but after major surgery, chemotherapy and a recurrence last year with more chemotherapy, at the moment it is still treatable. There is no way of getting away from this label but do I want to be a ‘cancer victim’, a ‘cancer warrior’, a cancer survivor’? Obviously, I want to survive but do not want these roles to dominate my life.

So, in essence I suppose I want to be me and I want that to be enough. But being ‘me’ is not easy! Can I be ‘me’ when I’m unsure who that is? Which roles do I want to play? Do I need to play any?

We may give babies labels and roles, eg: he’s going to be a scientist, take after his mum, he’ll save our relationship, but babies aren’t aware of that! They are still just a whisper away from ‘before this life’ as indeed we are all a whisper away from ‘after this life’.  Can babies connect to a higher self, a true self which is much more than enough? I have a vivid memory of blowing candles out when I was three and feeling an intense happiness which I have never been able to truly replicate although I have had similar moments where I have felt I truly belong to something so wonderful and powerful that doesn’t fit into words.

As a ‘retired person’ I have time to think, observe, imagine. I’m trying to identify experiences which shaped my sense of self and also observe roles and labels other people take on.  Why do we choose certain roles on this journey from before to after? Is it possible to become our real self?

In this blog I will be including excerpts from my novel, ‘Becoming Maz’ which I have been writing and editing over the last five years and hope to find a literary agent interested in taking it to a publisher. Any feedback will be gratefully appreciated! I also aim to include my thoughts, short stories and flash fiction based on my new role as ‘observer’!

If you’ve read this far thank you!